It took a few years but yesterday I finally had a revelation.
Subtle as all real breakthrough, it came to me without big bangs or fireworks but just in the shape of a thought I never considered but once it was formed it felt so familiar it looked it had been with me for ages.
I was in so much pain yesterday that when Steve was trying to cheer me up I couldn't even smile.
Instead I looked at him and kept my lips still and tightened, probably slightly bent downwards as well.
And then I knew.
That was the expression my mum always had when my dad and I tried to cheer her up.
So many times, everything, we really tried everything, but the smile wasn't coming and we thought that meant she was upset with us.
She was always smiling, always fighting, but in the end she wan't and she just looked at us from a distant place, her eyes non focused, her lips closed.
I always thought she was judging us for not being able to make her feel better.
Yesterday when the pain was so strong I couldn't even manage a smile for Steve I got it.
She wasn't upset, she wasn't judging, she was just in pain.
When she was shaking her head it wasn't because she had given up on us, but because she had given up on herself.
It took 3 hours for the pain to go away yesterday and at the end the difference in my mood was appalling. When I was agonising I thought all hope had left me, pain can do that. And yesterday for me it was only for 3 hours, she was in pain for many years, it was miracle of strenght and courage she even managed to smile the times she did.
If anything good is coming out of this is that now I know.
Subtle as all real breakthrough, it came to me without big bangs or fireworks but just in the shape of a thought I never considered but once it was formed it felt so familiar it looked it had been with me for ages.
I was in so much pain yesterday that when Steve was trying to cheer me up I couldn't even smile.
Instead I looked at him and kept my lips still and tightened, probably slightly bent downwards as well.
And then I knew.
That was the expression my mum always had when my dad and I tried to cheer her up.
So many times, everything, we really tried everything, but the smile wasn't coming and we thought that meant she was upset with us.
She was always smiling, always fighting, but in the end she wan't and she just looked at us from a distant place, her eyes non focused, her lips closed.
I always thought she was judging us for not being able to make her feel better.
Yesterday when the pain was so strong I couldn't even manage a smile for Steve I got it.
She wasn't upset, she wasn't judging, she was just in pain.
When she was shaking her head it wasn't because she had given up on us, but because she had given up on herself.
It took 3 hours for the pain to go away yesterday and at the end the difference in my mood was appalling. When I was agonising I thought all hope had left me, pain can do that. And yesterday for me it was only for 3 hours, she was in pain for many years, it was miracle of strenght and courage she even managed to smile the times she did.
If anything good is coming out of this is that now I know.
No comments:
Post a Comment